an absence of feeling


13 july 2022

credits to the graphics fairy

tw: mentions of drug use & dissociation

i'd like to put more effort into maintaining this blog; it started out more or less exploratory, just to see if i could get everything formatted to my tastes, but now that i'm satisfied with all that i'd like to actually try and keep up with it. the 'bones' of the site will probably continue to get shifted around (i'd like to add more graphical elements to keep in theme with the main site) but i think the general format as well as the usage of zonelets will stick for now. i dislike pretty much all blogging platforms, so it makes sense that i would prefer one that i can at least mold and shape to my liking.

i've been feeling strange ever since i quit smoking weed cold turkey a few days ago. it's a very odd, kind of nostalgic feeling – one i haven't felt in a very long time. it's as if there's a cognitive delay between my brain and my limbs, a semi-opaque screen between my eyes and the rest of the world. it's not so intense that it's causing me any kind of pain or distress. it's just kind of there, shading the world a tint darker. everything's semi numb. friends tell me this should pass after a week or so; online forums say it can last up to six months for some people. i'm gunning for the former.

more things i forgot about when it comes to withdrawal (weed withdrawal, anyway) – the dreams, oh GOD the dreams, the constant exhausted numbness, the disinterest in performing basic human functions. some people love to claim that weed withdrawal doesn't exist, but the fact of the matter is that any activity, drug, or fixation that creates/steals dopamine can cause withdrawals in a person if abused to a certain extent. i've been smoking long enough that i can't remember the last time i took a real t-break. i'm glad i'm doing this now, and i know it'll be worth it, but man does it suck. i hate feeling this way. i hate feeling out of control.

milliebut it's not all bad. some positive things to date: my cat millie (pictured to the right), summer storms, daria, binging rpdr with my best friend. little pinhole lights at the end of the proverbial tunnel. sometimes i think these small comforts are what adulthood is really all about. i hope i can continue on this upward pace, rocky as it seems to be. i think it's finally dawning on me that i'm an adult and no one else can make these choices for me. can't help but look at the stretching void of life ahead of me and be filled with trepidation; it's paralyzing knowing that it all relies on me, my decisions, and how much effort i put in. a lot of the misgivings and failures from my childhood can be blamed on my parent's poor taste and lack of proactive vision – with adulthood, this new capsule of a life, it all falls on me. every mistake echoes back to my ability, or inability, to function as a member of society.

all things considered, though...i could be doing a lot worse.